Suggest a Topic

Ok readers, it's about time I put up another post. However; I'm not quit sure what to write about so I figured I'd enlist you aid. So, leave comments and suggest a topic. The best suggestion will turn into a post.

So.... It's been a while.

Hello faithful readers, mostly this consists of my wife but what can you do. I know it has been a while since I've delighted you with tales about my wife or great moments in Noah history and for that I apologize. I've been distracted by several things (translation = lazy), and it has kept me from updating. So sit right back you'll hear a tail about something or another that I think of before the next paragraph begins....

Ah yes here we go... WTTV is the bane of my existence. In fact I am currently losing brain cells while I write this. So if my command of the English language deteriorates during this discourse please understand. What exactly is WTTV you might ask? Well let me explain. White Trash TeleVision. Are you familiar with TruTV? This is where it begins. TruTV is a constant barrage of stupidity caught on tape. It's a mixture of cops, and worlds (most extreme, dumbest, funniest, ridiculous, idiotic, i can't believe they put this sh%^ on tv) videos. Select anyone of those descriptors and you'd be right. Occasionally they throw in some murder mystery reality, man they are really reaching for content right now, show just to keep you guessing. But oh no my friends it doesn't stop there. You see WTTV isn't limited to a single channel oh no... it's an epidemic of biblical proportions. So what else falls under this umbrella? Well, any judge show at all. They all suck and I can't believe we still have this stuff on TV. Day time talk shows, seriously has anything of any substance ever come out of any of these shows? I'm sure there are a few that I'm leaving out but I can't bring myself to think to hard on this as it causes me great pain. So there you have a brief description of what WTTV is.

The next obvious question is, why do you have these shows on if you detest them so much? Well simple, and I would think obvious if you've read any of my other posts, my darling and ever so pleasent wife Mana. You see she loves em. Can't get enough. It's like crack to her. I've been trying and trying to reform her but I've come to a simple yet painful conclusion, you can take the Mana out of Taylor but you can't take the Taylor out of Mana. For those of you familiar with the Down River area of Detroit you'll know what I'm saying. For the rest of you... well let's say if you live in Taylor you hope one day to move up town to a nice double wide. So really it's not her fault she's a product of her environment. One she left as she grew but apparently during her early formative years this need for WTTV was imprinted deeply in her subconcious.

So I'll continue to fight the good fight. I'm looking at facilities I can check her into but in the mean time, I'll be under the bus with my own TV watching the only two channels I need, Discovery and ESPN.

I just can't imagine being mad at you.....

The other day my wife and I were driving somewhere and I was cracking jokes like I usually do. Some at her expense. She's always a good sport and laughs along with me. After a few minutes and miles she says to me..

"You know, when we're laughing and having a good time like this I can't imagine ever being mad at you."

Aww how sweet. Then she followed it up with this.

"But then you go do some dumb ass thing or another."

So, there you have it right from the horses mouth. Apparently I'm prone to doing dumb ass things that infuriate my wife. Which, honestly, is no surprise. At least it shouldn't be to her. After all she dated me, and willingly chose to marry me despite my ever so obvious dumb ass ways.

So while I had a nice little reprieve there I'll once again deposit my dumb ass under the bus.

Barry White, a Hernia and Guns Blazing

You know, throughout our lives we have moments of grandeur, moments of failure and moments of great mediocrity. It is to this end that I proceed to write today. About a moment of greatness, that in careful reflection is really more a moment of great mediocrity. Sometimes our greatness is only surpassed by our stupidity. This is one of those moments.

First a little back ground. Years ago I had the misfortune of breaking my right leg. It was a rather traumatic break, a tib fib compound fracture. This injury occurred while I was playing soccer in a summer league. The recover for this took many months and like all young men, I figured I was ready to go all out long before I really was. I started playing basketball and one day got a little over zealous long before I should have.

It was during an early spring pick-up game that I felt a little tear in my lower abdomen. Being the responsible guy that I was I did what any man would do. I ignored it and hoped it went away, much like dirty dishes or laundry. This vigilant denial lasted a whole three years. Finally when the pain could no longer be ignored I sought out the advice of a doctor.

The doctor easily identified the problem as an inguinal hernia and referred me to a competent surgeon. The surgeon confirmed that surgery was indeed needed and we quickly set a date for a simple out patient procedure.

The day arrived and I showed up early in the morning bright eyed and bushy tailed. It was to be my third surgery, two for the broken leg, so the whole process was old hat to me by now. The nurse prepped me and off we went.

A few hours latter I awoke in the recovery room. Now here’s where things get a bit interesting. You see pain medication unleashes my inner Barry White. I’m never smoother with the ladies or more confident then when fortified with some percocet, but back to the story. At this point I’m a bit more alert and feeling sore but good. My buddy is there to give me a ride home and asking how I feel. At this point a nurse walks in and proceeds to give me a run down on the do’s and don’t of hernia surgery recovery.

Towards the end of her discourse she says the following and I add my quick, sly and oh so smooth reply. This is the actual conversation:

Nurse: “Now remember no heavy lifting for a while.”
Me: “Ok baby, but are you going to be there to help me go to the bathroom? Hehehehe.”

This is packaged with a wink, a smile and dual guns. Oh yeah, I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? In retrospect I’m not sure how she didn’t leave her husband right there. My friend just sat there in disbelief as the Betty Crocker looking nurse just kind of shook her head and left unsure how to respond.

At the time I looked upon this moment as the crowning achievement of my smoothness, a true moment of grandeur. My wife has assured me that this was in fact a great moment in mediocrity. This sure doesn’t stop me from giving her my best Barry White voice served up with a wink, smile, dual guns blazing all the while saying … “How you doing baby??” So far all my best efforts have landed me squarely under the bus. So here I sit practicing and polishing my delivery. I just know it’s going to work one of these days….

Beauty, the Beast and Hershey's Kisses

Many, well most all of you, know my lovely cute smiley wife Amanda(Mana). Generally she has a nice sunny disposition as displayed by this picture.


Awww isn't she cute folks?? With her nice blond hair and bright shiny eyes. Even the little dimples in her cheeks. But, behind that sunny exterior she shows to the world, lies a deep, dark secret. A shocking truth I'm about to reveal to you today. My wife.... is a Gremlin. Yes it's sad but true.

How many of you remember this cute little guy?


Gizmo, the star of a couple movies from the 80's titled Gremlins. He's a nice fuzzy ball of cuteness you just want to squeeze huh. But notice the shadow behind him. Is there something Gizmo isn't telling us? Some secret? Stroll with me a little further down memory lane. In the first movie the man who sells Gizmo issues a few warnings, don't get him wet, no bright light and never feed him after midnight.

So how, you might ask, does this relate to my whittle snugly ball of cuteness named Mana? Well that my friends is a good question. The answer, just like all our current presidential candidates, is hard to believe. However; it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (at least according to me and since it's my blog what are you going to do about it).

You see, Mana and Gizmo are very similar. They're both cute, cuddly and small. They both came about in the 80's, and they both have some eating issues. You see if you feed a Gremlin after midnight bad things happen. If you don't feed Mana regularly... well let's just say Chernobyl, the Hindenburg and WWII are considered, by many scholars, minor incidents in comparison. The book of Revelations and the word Armageddon come to mind. The reality is this, if you feed Gizmo after midnight or fail to feed Mana... this is what you get.


Now, this is obviously a molded replica and I want to no way misrepresent the situation. This "toy" if you will, was molded after a picture of Mana eating a gingerbread man when ravenous. Now due to international laws, and just plain old decency, we had to significantly reduce the scare factor. So, I apologize to any of you who have actually seen the ravenous Mana and know this an obvious watered down reproduction.

The sad truth is Mana, when hungry, could tear you limb from limb. I've seen her tear through a whole bag of Hershey's kisses like a hot knife through butter. All that's left are some hollow, shredded wrappers and splatters of chocolate. Poor little fellas never had a chance. You'll usually find her huddled in a corner with the last one like a cat with it's mouse. Toying with it, soaking up its pain to feed that vast empty pit of hell, known as her stomach. Then slowly the heavy ragged breathing subsides the arched back straightens and my Mana is back once again.

There is it... the truth, the ugly bitter truth. I somehow feel liberated by sharing my burden, my shame with all of you. Until next time, you know where to find me. Under the bus, huddled alone and scared, with only a bowl of sacrificial kisses left nearby to protect me.....

As a side note folks, this is all in good fun. I do love my wife and most of the time she's great, but once in a while if you don't take care of the Mana, by feeding her regularly, she'll take care of you Jimmy Hoffa style. Wuv you mana...

It's Different

Apparently this has a negative connotation. I suppose it's all in who you ask. My lovely and esteemed wife, Mana, over heard me describing marriage that way shortly after our nuptials. I was merely describing to a friend how my whole perspective had changed on life and the goals I had. How I had to think "we" instead of "me". Needless to say Mana didn't take it that way, which I suppose, is understandable. Different simply means a departure from the norm. My norm was being single for 31.5 years. Only having to watch out for me and my wants and needs. Having to worry about her was different.

In my wifes defense "different" isn't synonymous with "great" "stupendous" nor "fantastic" however; in my own way I was describing a fundamental change in my own outlook. A metamorphosis of perspective. Then again, how would I have felt had the situation been reversed? Good question really. So, with that in mind. I'll retreat, to my now cozy spot, under the bus and rethink my use of "different".