Barry White, a Hernia and Guns Blazing

You know, throughout our lives we have moments of grandeur, moments of failure and moments of great mediocrity. It is to this end that I proceed to write today. About a moment of greatness, that in careful reflection is really more a moment of great mediocrity. Sometimes our greatness is only surpassed by our stupidity. This is one of those moments.

First a little back ground. Years ago I had the misfortune of breaking my right leg. It was a rather traumatic break, a tib fib compound fracture. This injury occurred while I was playing soccer in a summer league. The recover for this took many months and like all young men, I figured I was ready to go all out long before I really was. I started playing basketball and one day got a little over zealous long before I should have.

It was during an early spring pick-up game that I felt a little tear in my lower abdomen. Being the responsible guy that I was I did what any man would do. I ignored it and hoped it went away, much like dirty dishes or laundry. This vigilant denial lasted a whole three years. Finally when the pain could no longer be ignored I sought out the advice of a doctor.

The doctor easily identified the problem as an inguinal hernia and referred me to a competent surgeon. The surgeon confirmed that surgery was indeed needed and we quickly set a date for a simple out patient procedure.

The day arrived and I showed up early in the morning bright eyed and bushy tailed. It was to be my third surgery, two for the broken leg, so the whole process was old hat to me by now. The nurse prepped me and off we went.

A few hours latter I awoke in the recovery room. Now here’s where things get a bit interesting. You see pain medication unleashes my inner Barry White. I’m never smoother with the ladies or more confident then when fortified with some percocet, but back to the story. At this point I’m a bit more alert and feeling sore but good. My buddy is there to give me a ride home and asking how I feel. At this point a nurse walks in and proceeds to give me a run down on the do’s and don’t of hernia surgery recovery.

Towards the end of her discourse she says the following and I add my quick, sly and oh so smooth reply. This is the actual conversation:

Nurse: “Now remember no heavy lifting for a while.”
Me: “Ok baby, but are you going to be there to help me go to the bathroom? Hehehehe.”

This is packaged with a wink, a smile and dual guns. Oh yeah, I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? In retrospect I’m not sure how she didn’t leave her husband right there. My friend just sat there in disbelief as the Betty Crocker looking nurse just kind of shook her head and left unsure how to respond.

At the time I looked upon this moment as the crowning achievement of my smoothness, a true moment of grandeur. My wife has assured me that this was in fact a great moment in mediocrity. This sure doesn’t stop me from giving her my best Barry White voice served up with a wink, smile, dual guns blazing all the while saying … “How you doing baby??” So far all my best efforts have landed me squarely under the bus. So here I sit practicing and polishing my delivery. I just know it’s going to work one of these days….